Posts tagged humor

apocalypgloss:

Leroy’s (Gene Anthony Ray) audition scene from Fame (1980), featuring a drooling Debbie Allen. 

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS? When I was younger, I had a crush on LeRoy Johnson from Fame. And thus began my fascination with talented, gay boys!

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AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS?

Emeril Lagasse calls the drippings at the bottom of his pots “yum yums”. I call them “Cajun Like Pot Smearings.

Emeril should get his La-Ass-y over here and scrub my pots!

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS?

If a unicorn had two horns, would he then be called a “duel-a-corn" or a "bi-corn”? (This is a serious conversation that came up at work today. I still don’t know.)

Airport Security

  • So, I'm going thru security at Newark Airport. And of course, they choose me to randomly search. (For some reason this happens to me all the time. I mean, I even have a monologue about the fact that my underwire bra ALWAYS sets off the alarm.) But instead, I decided to take the humorous route:
  • Female Airport Security Officer: "I would like to pat you down, if I don't have any objections."
  • Me: "Cool, well let me tell you where my problem spots are."
  • She looks at me bewildered.
  • Me: "See, I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so you should focus the massage in that area. And my lower back has knots, which is making my calves tight. So, girl, if you can top it all off, with a foot massage, I may just propose to you on the spot."
  • Female Airport Security Officer is laughing so hard she doesn't notice that her supervisor has walked over.
  • Female Airport Security Supervisor: "Is there a problem here?"
  • Me: "I wouldn't call it a problem, per se. I just wanted to know one thing."
  • Female Airport Security Supervisor (with a serious 'I am superior to you, lowly traveler' face): "What's that?"
  • Me: "Are these massages complimentary or am I obligated to tip, cuz if so, I might need to hit up an ATM."
  • Both of them look at each other for a split second. They bust out laughing. And I start giggling.
  • Female Airport Security Supervisor (with an unexpected smile while the first security officer pats me down): "We need more travelers like you around here."
  • Me: "I know! Cuz it ain't everyday that you get to rub up on a sexy body like mine. And I ain't even gunna charge you."
  • We all just look at each other and laugh real loud.
  • (I'm a fool! I know!)

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS?

If you start talking about your boobs, the world WILL eavesdrop. (As learned in a conversation with Stacia.)

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

It’s as simple as that……

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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

It’s as simple as that……

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS?
The people that drive you crazy go crazy when you drive them crazy. But, when you call it friendship, you’ll feel the love.

I love you, Marks. My heart is completely and utterly yours. And unfortunately for you, the rest of me comes with it.
Lisa Kleypas (Married by Morning)

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AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS? True story: I’m at trivia night. The question asks is: “What is the only mammal that is unable to jump?” *Everyone starts to ponder the answer. The trivia master automatically announces: “The answer is not WHITE MEN!”

I immediately start giggling because that answer actually ran through my head.

I’m handing that memory my “best laugh today” award.

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS?

You know how southern women say “Bless her heart” when they are about to insult someone without trying to be mean? Well, “queens” say “No shade!” I cannot stop laughing each time it happens.

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS? Underwater the fish don’t stink! (as learned by a little genius fish named, Bobby)

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS? Any day that you’re not emotional to the extent that you’re sloth sobbing, is a day that you’re not PMS’n. You know, winning!